Päiväkirja - madaboutmoose, 11 marras 10

I am having a difficult time these past couple of months. I have not gone completely nuts but I certainly have slipped back into old habits that aren't particularly healthy for me. Today was nice. A paid holiday from work (thank you veterans everywhere!!) and some of the day I was actually home alone. It has been a while since I've had any time at home. I've been on the go a lot. A lot of travel out of town. And my husband and I have been out and about almost every weekend. Which is fun, no doubt, and at the same time an opportunity for me to indulge, which I have done regularly.

I don't think I've been as consistent with my exercise but I have continued to exercise. Today, I indulged and spent 45 minutes on my elliptical AND did 50 minutes of Pilates. The Pilates was more difficult. I do think it makes a difference when I keep up on Pilates regularly.

I have NOT weighed in on fatsecret for 63 days!!! More than 2 months!!! Holy smokes. I have not been weighing daily. I did weigh last week. I will again tomorrow or Saturday. If the truth be told I feel like a failure. I've just been in a funky space for quite some time.

I know that my hormones have something to do with the funkiness. As I may have mentioned in one of my recent rare journal entries the hot flashes are back with a vengeance. Every couple of hours at night I wake up hot and sweaty. Not much fun and certainly is impacting my sleep.

My dear husband has been in a dark place too. I know that impacts me as well. My automatic pilot says I am not good enough. My auto pilot has been triggered. Not by my husband in particular. I know it is a combination of how I soak up his mood, of additional stresses for myself with my new adventures, of lack of sleep, of hormonal weirdness, of eating more than I need to more frequently than is truly comfortable for me, and of just not being very good at all at practicing kindness towards myself.

I keep hearing my own voice in my head that tells me life is process not product, I won't ever be done. I catch myself comparing where I am to my buddies and feeling bad about myself. I haven't felt this funky for this long in a very long time and I must tell you I don't care much for it.

And so ... I am pulling myself through, remembering the steps I need to take and the importance of taking care of myself. I am mindful that I am worth it ... even if I do not "feel" like I am worth it. I am very aware that I do not want to gain a bunch of weight. I will not. I have enjoyed feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I do not want to hide behind layers of fat again.

So ... it has been a long time ... shall I consider what I might be grateful for?

1. the awareness that I am struggling and the mindfulness to stay mindful

2. the buddies here who patiently wait for me, who find something positive about me, who I know are praying and/or thinking about me when I am absent.

3. the conversations my husband and I have had recently and his constant presence by my side.

4. the knowledge, deep inside of me, that this is just a series of moments that will pass and sunnier days lay ahead.

5. this day I've had here at home, with time to think, ponder, and exercise.

And so ... the journey goes on ...