I am having a difficult time these past couple of months. I have not gone completely nuts but I certainly have slipped back into old habits that aren't particularly healthy for me. Today was nice. A paid holiday from work (thank you veterans everywhere!!) and some of the day I was actually home alone. It has been a while since I've had any time at home. I've been on the go a lot. A lot of travel out of town. And my husband and I have been out and about almost every weekend. Which is fun, no doubt, and at the same time an opportunity for me to indulge, which I have done regularly.
I don't think I've been as consistent with my exercise but I have continued to exercise. Today, I indulged and spent 45 minutes on my elliptical AND did 50 minutes of Pilates. The Pilates was more difficult. I do think it makes a difference when I keep up on Pilates regularly.
I have NOT weighed in on fatsecret for 63 days!!! More than 2 months!!! Holy smokes. I have not been weighing daily. I did weigh last week. I will again tomorrow or Saturday. If the truth be told I feel like a failure. I've just been in a funky space for quite some time.
I know that my hormones have something to do with the funkiness. As I may have mentioned in one of my recent rare journal entries the hot flashes are back with a vengeance. Every couple of hours at night I wake up hot and sweaty. Not much fun and certainly is impacting my sleep.
My dear husband has been in a dark place too. I know that impacts me as well. My automatic pilot says I am not good enough. My auto pilot has been triggered. Not by my husband in particular. I know it is a combination of how I soak up his mood, of additional stresses for myself with my new adventures, of lack of sleep, of hormonal weirdness, of eating more than I need to more frequently than is truly comfortable for me, and of just not being very good at all at practicing kindness towards myself.
I keep hearing my own voice in my head that tells me life is process not product, I won't ever be done. I catch myself comparing where I am to my buddies and feeling bad about myself. I haven't felt this funky for this long in a very long time and I must tell you I don't care much for it.
And so ... I am pulling myself through, remembering the steps I need to take and the importance of taking care of myself. I am mindful that I am worth it ... even if I do not "feel" like I am worth it. I am very aware that I do not want to gain a bunch of weight. I will not. I have enjoyed feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I do not want to hide behind layers of fat again.
So ... it has been a long time ... shall I consider what I might be grateful for?
1. the awareness that I am struggling and the mindfulness to stay mindful
2. the buddies here who patiently wait for me, who find something positive about me, who I know are praying and/or thinking about me when I am absent.
3. the conversations my husband and I have had recently and his constant presence by my side.
4. the knowledge, deep inside of me, that this is just a series of moments that will pass and sunnier days lay ahead.
5. this day I've had here at home, with time to think, ponder, and exercise.
And so ... the journey goes on ...
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![](https://m.ftscrt.com/static/images/box/membersicon.gif) Kommentit
Carol, we certainly have all been where you are. It is so hard when we just aren't feeling it. I wish that I had some words that I could say to make it better and bring you out of your funk, but that just isn't possible. I ha e been in so many dark places in my life, and have found that they do run their course eventually, but that doesn't help now. I am glad that you had some time to yourself, and that you got some exercise in. And your grateful list shows that you are really working at getting yourself back to your "good place". I am here if you need a shoulder, and I will be praying for you. Be kind to yourself, Carol, you deserve it!
11 marras 10 jäseneltä: ctlss
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Thanks Steph ... I appreciate it!!
11 marras 10 jäseneltä: madaboutmoose
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:D, that's what friends are for, Carol.
11 marras 10 jäseneltä: ctlss
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Carol/Moose, I echo what Stef said. When 'we' are in that dark place, it feels like we will never get out. Intellectually we now we will but emotionally its horrible. I do hope it passes soon. I hope its 'just' hormonal and then perhaps transient. Feel better. You have been such an inspiration to me personally and to so many others. I hope the conversations with your husband have been good ones. How is your mum's retirement going? Hope you get your groove back soon.
11 marras 10 jäseneltä: sarahsmum
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It's good to see you back...
11 marras 10 jäseneltä: jessyline
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Hi Carol..glad you are back. I have been thinking about you. Now girlfriend stop all this failure bull... You are not a failure...you will get back to business now and start writing your journal everyday and be kind to yourself. You are right we are never finished here. We have to realize that and keep plugging along. Somedays will be easier than others but when we hit those rough patches we will know that we can find all the support and understanding we need right here. Take care Carol and talk to you soon.. Hugs
11 marras 10 jäseneltä: chattycathy1955
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Oh I forgot..Glad to hear you're not nuts! lol
11 marras 10 jäseneltä: chattycathy1955
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You can't fail because life isn't a test :). I know and you know, you will feel so much better if you get back into the good habits that got you so far. It is very hard when you are with another person who is having a difficult time, especially if you feel like you can't do anything to help. That what always gets me the most. Not sure if it's the same for you, but I get really down and guilty feeling when there's something going on with someone I love and I can't fix it. Honestly I haven't faced this situation for any length of time since I did the life change thing, so I don't know what would happen with me either. But it's so ok to have off times, so don't beat yourself up because you don't deserve it. And don't feel like you are obligated to always keep up a happy front when you aren't feeling it. Hope to see you around more often soon!
11 marras 10 jäseneltä: k8yk
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HONK, HONK...TOWANDA!!!!!!!!
11 marras 10 jäseneltä: Lisa Online
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Does it feel like it's not about the weight, but then it ends up ALSO being about the weight??? We are facing and demystifying our obsessions. We bring ourselves back, again and again because there is something so worthwhile in the process. Beyond our day-to-day stresses, we catch a glimpse of wonder, love, possibility, and expansion in our internal landscape--that which is beyond pain. That which pain passes through. And the exciting thing is, Moose, we are discovering what we REALLY believe about life, about love, about our mortality. Win-win. Welcome back. :-)
12 marras 10 jäseneltä: Bible Bliss
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Painohistoria - madaboutmoose
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