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So I am stealing a few minutes at the office to write a pithy journal. All that wonderful start I had is gone. I'm back up to 256.6 I believe. DRAT. I'm really struggling in so many ways. Emotionally I'm pretty much a basket case. Well, I have "okay" days but I'm pretty exhausted. I find no motivation for exercise. We are eating better so I guess that's a start. I finally got brave enough to weigh again ... because I realized I had no real way to know how I was doing with my eating if I didn't weigh. I hate the scale but it can be helpful at times.
The whole health thing is overwhelming to me. DH is "fine" for now ... just tired, short of breath, and facing his own mortality. Still working and he is doing what he can to address his health issues.
I'm fearful of what the future holds and can't imagine my life without him. Well I can imagine my life without him and know I'll survive but all the task oriented stuff has me in a tizzy. I couldn't afford the house we have nor could I manage the upkeep by myself. The financial part of this is big. Not just the medical bills but all the other choices. Then there are things that we have a hard time talking about. For instance he doesn't want me there when he dies. He doesn't want me to remember him like that. For me? The thought of not being with him when he dies just about kills me. I don't want him to die alone.
So on I go. Trying to think about what is good in my life, what I have instead of what I do not have but I'm having a very difficult time. I feel ugly, unattractive, lonely, disconnected, emotionally unstable ... and yet most people who know me wouldn't guess any of those things. I'm the "strong one." I carry on regardless. Anyway ... there you have it. My life in a nutshell. Ain't it grand?
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