Päiväkirja - newnbetter, 10 helmi 18

It's not that I choose to be depressed, I KNOW it will come as it always does when I eat anything with wheat it in, even the stealthy kind I find out about later. I suffered from severe suicidal depression for over 30 years, and found out by accident that it was the wheat! Wheat is not my friend.  

Thanks for the help Murph. I’m not depressed. Just bored. Life has changed drastically for me and I am working to find myself again. It sounds stupid but I have always been a follower of sorts and while busy with work during the week, tired and/or stressed at night, busy with catching up on sleep and household chores on the weekends, doing whatever my significant other wanted to do on weekends my life was rather full. Now I don’t work, have no significant other and am not tired. I have a huge hole in my life. I do not have kids and almost every person I know lives in a different state. I’m just trying to fill the hours with something other than TV 😊. You would be surprised at how many hours there are to fill once the ‘rat race’ ends. 

@sheadlady I do attempt to meditate. Sadly for me it seems that slow time down. You should post a picture of one of your T-Shirts. I’d love to see 

clean. organize. try to keep away from kitchen. lol 

@maxie. That is a lovely story. I have several friends who met their person on Match. I met my guy of 2 years on there. He is a good person but ended up being very troubled. His anxiety and panic attacks caused him to end our relationship. It was actually a good thing because he was not the person he should be or that I needed. He just sunk into himself. Very strange and hard to explain. But the bottom line is, Match can be a great resource. 

what about volunteering?? meals on wheels? local animal shelter?? hmmmm 

Yeah...maybe fs should have an extension to this site for singles who want to begin to feel better on their new journey and want someone to work on it with..lol its an idea;) 

What is your diagnosis regarding your back? Is there a cure? 

@patty. No cure for it. I already have one artificial disc in my lower back. Now I have a broken vertebrae and more damage above the artificial one. Dr can do surgery but it might not help much and insurance company has denied it. I just have to do what I can and learn to live with it. I refuse to take the pain pills except on rare occasion because I don’t want to be an addict and honestly they don’t help that much. I live in Alabama so pot is out too. Alcohol causes weight gain so it is out. As long as I lay flat the pain is bearable. Walking at a decent pace is pretty comfortable. Standing, walking slowly is painful and sitting is just awful. I have neck and shoulder problems as well so laying flat with my head up to read is no fun. I do it but can’t do it long term. All that sounds pretty bad but in truth I am fine. Just a little challenged. So many people have it much worse. I’m very fortunate to be able to tolerate this ‘discomfort’ rather easily. I do pretty much whatever I want to do - I just pay for it afterwards. 

Wow your very brave, I found nothing helped either I have spinal stenosis. Again no guarantee that surgery would fix it. When I lost enough weight to get under 200 pounds the pain ended. That was the end of November 2017, and no pain since. I was hoping maybe that would be your answer. Wishing you well Sweetie❤️ 

Thanks Patty. I wish weight loss had a big effect. I know it has to have some though. 

On rainy days I paint, or scrapbook, play video games, make jewelry, or read. I hope you let yourself try love. It is scary and the possibility to get hurt is real, but it's so worth it when you find the one that makes you a better person. Sending love and support your way.