***WARNING*** Very long journal entry and not terribly uplifting ... avoid if necessary!!!
I am still breathing!! Thursday night was difficult for me. Yesterday, Friday, was quite busy. Drove my mother to the airport (2 1/2 hours from home), then met my hubby at the cancer center. We went to breakfast together (not healthy ... chicken fried steak, hash browns, fried eggs and toast).
Then we went to the hospital to visit with his dad. It was sort of a shock in many ways for me. Even though I have seen him recently he looked very frail and not well. He's losing a bit of his ability to remember things which is also concerning. For now his heart is stable. They have him on dopamine which stabilizes his heart. There is a lot of fluid in and/or around his right lung and one lymph node is enlarged. Uncertain at this point what that means. They suspect not just one bad valve but probably two and a blocked artery. He thought he had been in the hospital for 10 days without a shower when he has only been there 3 days as of yesterday. He still has his sense of humor but I could feel the sadness beneath his facade.
Today they will do an angiogram (not an angioplasty which my husband had told me) to get a better look at his heart. They may also attempt to drain the fluid while they have him sedated. He still needs a consult with a pulmonary doctor about his lung status before they can even begin to think about whether or not he is a candidate for surgery. He weighs a mere 137 lbs and looks like he is nothing but skin and bones.
His "wife" is doing okay. Bob will take her to see him tomorrow. I don't know if I will go or not. I do not really want to but at the same time I think it would be good for my husband if I was along. He says not to worry about it but of course, I do. Today we are taking a total break from the hospital, both of us. Bob recognized how worn out he was and decided this on his own. We went to bed last night about 8:30 and didn't get out of bed until 8:30 this morning. I do feel better in terms of rest this morning. Of course, I feel like half the day is gone already but I keep reminding myself that I need to take it easy. I bought her some groceries yesterday. I politely inquired about how she was doing. I even hugged her before I left. My FIL loves her. I don't know why but he does. My only choice is to refuse to see her which in actuality makes it more difficult for my own husband. I will continue to do what needs to be done because I love my husband and I love my FIL.
I have not eaten well the past couple of days. No major junk food (other than the chicken fried steak breakfast yesterday) but still not what I typically eat. And, no surprise, the scale is up. I am tracking it but not recording it here for now. I am fully aware that I am eating as a way to "comfort" myself. I drank 3 beers last night. I ate a hummus and an entire bag of pita chips. I even bought a single piece of bakery cake and finished it off (okay, that's another junk food item). It was unbelievably delicious and I enjoyed every moist bite. I do not feel guilty about any of it. I am fully aware of what I have been doing. It does not mean anything really ... I will not do this everyday and it is not my only way to cope. It would be easy to make it my primary coping mechanism though ... I have to be honest about that. It is so familiar and other than knowing that if I keep it up regularly ... it feels good.
Today's plan consists of the following ...
1. Stay home 2. Laundry 3. Exercise 4. a more calorie conscious day ... maybe 5. begin tackling my pile of paper on the dining room table IF I feel up to it ... otherwise I shall do that tomorrow.
I'm sort of sad that Bob and I won't be able to do anything "special" for Valentine's Day ... but it is only a "day" ... so I won't let that bother me much. I realize that I really am on "overload" and can feel those emotions swimming about ... I'm more tearful than usual, more easily upset, more easily angered, well ... most of you know exactly what I am describing ... I am spent.
And yet ... I know that I, we, will get through this time. We've been through many difficult circumstances and there will be more in the future. So, I am conscious about the benefit of focusing on one moment at a time, giving myself permission to be less than "optimal" (my own judgment of self ... nobody else requires that of me), and remembering to breath.
The possible death of my FIL is not what is most difficult. None of us gets out of this gig alive. What is difficult is the drama that accompanies it. The BS my husband hears from his uncle. The whinings of an old selfish woman who really cares nothing about others. Hearing that my FIL plans to leave EVERYTHING (I am not referring to things of monetary value) to his "wife" and NOTHING, not one single momento to us. I know that once my FIL dies ... that we will never see those things again. Her family is straight off the Jerry Springer show and they will pillage and garage sale everything that was his. My FIL paints ... he has at least two paintings he did for Bob's mother ... when she was still alive. They mean a lot to us. Bob is talking to him about that ... and maybe he'll change his mind. His idea was to leave everything to his "wife" and then when she dies we will get what was his. I know that will not happen. We'll see. I know they are just "things" but still. They are "things" that bring us joy and good memories. They aren't worth any money but are worth decades of memories of family.
My maternal grandfather remarried after he divorced my grandmother. His 2nd wife was a real winner. My grandfather had set aside a box full of momentos for my mother and her sisters. Things like his poker chips, photos, bowling trophies, nothing of monetary value. My mother and aunts never received them. He trusted his wife to do the "right" thing. She was not capable of doing that.
I have nothing of my paternal grandparents. My grandfather died first. Then my grandmother's healthy began to slowly decline. She did not want to leave southern California and ended up in a nursing home after a series of strokes. Before she became ill ... she gave power of attorney to grand-niece. That niece, after my grandmother became senile, left her in the nursing home, moved to Arkansas and lord only knows what she did with all my grandparents' worldly possessions. All of our family photos are gone. Everything is gone. It makes me sad.
Of course I have my memories ... and I do have an old flannel robe of my grandfather's which it torn and tattered but I'll probably never be able to get rid of it. It just isn't right what people do to each other. I just don't get it. I understand being selfish, I understand really not liking someone, even detesting another human. Why is it that I can "do the right thing" even when I do not want to and so many others don't or won't ... I don't get it.
So ... that is what is upsetting me the most right now. That is what makes me teary eyed and sad. That, and worrying about my husband trying to do too much and the disconnect we feel from each other only because we are both so stressed out.
Now you all know much more than you probably really wanted to know if you have made it this far through this long, verbose, entry. Am I still grateful? Yes. I am. Let me count the ways for today ...
1. my mother made it safely to her sister's home in California and she will have a fun time for the next two weeks and not have to witness in the flesh my stress 2. I slept 12 hours!!!! Boy did that ever feel good. 3. Bob and I are "okay" ... we are so much better at dealing with stress than we were 20 years ago!! LOL!! 4. knowing I can be home all day ... 5. not freaking out (yet) about eating more than typical and an increase on the scale
I hope you all are doing well. Maybe today I'll make it to some journals ... I'm taking it a moment at a time!!!
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1062 kcal
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Rasva: 18,70g | Prot: 29,32g | Hh: 191,25g.
Aamiainen: water, Fiber One. Lounas: banana, 1% Milk, Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds. Päivällinen: Perrier, Healthy Choice Lobster Ravioli. Välipalat/Muut: Eating Right Potato Crisps. lisää...
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2806 kcal
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Harjoitus:
Precor Elliptical - 1 tunti ja 13 minuuttia, Lepo - 10 tuntia ja 47 minuuttia, Nukkuminen - 12 tuntia. lisää...
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![](https://m.ftscrt.com/static/images/box/membersicon.gif) Kommentit
WHEW sometimes it helps to just talk ! Take care of yourself and Bob
You seem like a heck of a woman Moose!!I'm better for it that our paths have crossed
13 helmi 10 jäseneltä: thecoach
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Moose, I know what you are saying about the family mementos. The same thing happened to my dad when my grandfather died and left everything to his second wife. It was and is very sad. All I can say is that so many people are struggling to cope well enough to just make it through the day, and "doing the right thing" is just impossible for them. That concept of choosing to look past your own selfishness and do what needs to be done is one that just makes no sense to those people, they cannot even comprehend thinking that way. It doesn't make it any easier to take when you are the one suffering at their hands, though. Please keep venting here and being aware of your choices--you are doing great, Moose. One day at a time. In Poet's words: MUCH LOVE
13 helmi 10 jäseneltä: erikag
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Wow after reading your journal entry it kind of got me fired up. I know about sorry behind people that our loved ones marry and then having to try to deal with them. My Dad had a "wife" too and I will never forget when my father was in his final stages and she quipes "He lived long enough." Amazing, huh? I think that seeing how my Dad was treated by his "wife" in the last moments of his life is a good message for Valentines Day; Find someone that's going to love and respect all the way to the end and beyond. I think you and your husband figured that out long rime ago. Get some rest and you and husband have a happy Valentines Day.
13 helmi 10 jäseneltä: splendidhammer
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May this journal take some weight off your shoulders and your heart. I know from experience I would do the same, about your FIL's "wife". But also from experience, I can only tell you : don't push your limits. It's normal you are looking for comfort food these days, don't forget to balance with healthy food though, an healthy body will support your mind and you'll handle the stress better. (((hugs)))
13 helmi 10 jäseneltä: jessyline
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I hope setting this down on 'paper' has taken some of the hurt away. Its amazing how many of us have exactly the same problems with a few variations, so we can empathise with you. Make yourself and Bob your first priorities and everything else can take second place. My thoughts are with you ((hugs))
13 helmi 10 jäseneltä: flaxseed
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No angiogram ... his heart is bouncing around I guess so he is back tethered to the heart monitor. They are still planning on draining the fluid and testing it ... Bob feels guilty about not going today. I told him I could be showered and ready to go in 30 minutes if he wanted to go ... whatever he wants to do. So far, he's decided to stay. His uncle is with FIL right now. We'll be there tomorrow. It does help to write about it. My heart just doesn't understand though why people do the things they do. It saddens me to know many others have been through similar situations. I guess I am naive. To me being kind isn't difficult ... doing the "right" thing isn't that hard ... we can snarl and bitch and moan and groan about things without hurting others. What the hell!!! This is why I am so cautious about who I let close to me emotionally. This is why I can't imagine ever risking my heart if my husband exits this life before me. I will only "bounce off the walls" here in the safety of my own home, in my car on the cell phone to my closest girlfriend, as I journal here on fatsecret. I am usually the calm one. The strong one. That isn't going to change ... I am just so very tired of all this nonsense. The nonsense of people ... the drama. Life isn't really all that complicated and the keys to a successful relationship are quite simple. The hurt will pass. Fortunately I know I can get through this ... and I will be there for my husband. He deserves the loyalty. He needs me. I need him.
13 helmi 10 jäseneltä: madaboutmoose
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Getting "it" all out and sorting through "it" here helps. We all know that. We might not have the right words to say to comfort you but we are certain you understand how this is a place to come and not be judged. God bless you and yours. MUCH LOVE.
13 helmi 10 jäseneltä: poet-in-motion
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((((((((hugs))))))) and more (((((((hugs))))))). You and Billy-Bob :) are celebrating valentine's day in the way that's most important - supporting each other in getting through all the trials in your life right now. Take a few minutes before the day really starts tomorrow, to hold hands, look in each other's eyes and be greatful for the love that you have. I'm sorry some of the family members have have their priorites in the wrong place, and that ends up causing more stress. Hang in there, buddy, and know we are all with you in spirit!
13 helmi 10 jäseneltä: amryk
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Moose sometimes life is just too tough for us. It seems like we struggle and struggle and try to do the right thing and try to be good people but sometimes its just too hard. I like you could never understand the malice in some peoples hearts. We have to just face the facts that there are cruel people out there whether we understand it or not. Your journal struck a cord for me because I know people like this and I can't understand it either. I just pray and thank God that I am not one of these people and you should too. I hope you and your hubby have an awesome day together today. Why not do something romantic and sexy to lift your spirits and celebrate how close the 2 of you are. Much love and prayers to you and your family.
14 helmi 10 jäseneltä: chattycathy1955
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Oh goodness, reading this journal really tells everyone a lot about you. I totally understand what you mean about why others can't do the right thing. This is so small on the scale of things (especially with what your going through) but the other day my car got stuck in the snow/street. My neighbor is a big strong fireman / EMT - he just sat in his house watching me with my 2 small children try to get my car back in the driveway for over an hour. He watched the old guy down the street try to dig out my car, yet still never came out to help (though they managed to come out about 30 seconds after I got my car in). My feeling right now, is that karma will get these people. I have an event planning business, and did a party for this woman. They loved me durring planning, then once the party started, they HATED me and everything I was doing, were totally nasty, and refused to pay me. About 3 days later, the woman got into a horrible car accident, and was in the hospital for several days. Karma baby. Just remember that we love you here, and that you have plenty of "real people" around that love and support you too. If you ever need any of us, we will all be here for you. We all go through tough times - they are just moments in our lives, and they will pass.
14 helmi 10 jäseneltä: MomofTwoGirls
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And yes, this was an insanely long journal!!!! LOL
14 helmi 10 jäseneltä: MomofTwoGirls
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Love you Moose and your indomitable spirit and kindness...it shows through in every word. I know you will be having lots of valentines with Bob when restaurants aren't so crowded and when hallmark doesn't create the day...there are so many good days ahead
14 helmi 10 jäseneltä: sharonfriz
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moose: I read it all, including the comments, and there is so much wisdom and kindness in there that I don't think that there is much more that I can add. Again, I will say that those of us who have gone through similar things understand only *too* well. I would be somewhat hesitant to label things black or white because, as you well know, it's all a matter of perspective and where the people are coming from. During my own life, I have found few people who have ever treated me in the way I felt that I would have treated myself in certain difficult situations that I have encountered. Fortunately, most of the time, there was at least one who did. It's a common theme, my friend, there is no changing a humanity as diverse as ours. Hold your head high, keep your wits about you, do not succumb to despair. Continue to be yourself, to be kind, to be able to see the good in everything, to treat others the way you were taught. Turn your focus away from the not so good. Material things will become less and less important to you as time goes by, and indeed, believe me when I tell you that the more of them you accumulate, the more of a burden they become, tying you down in the most subtle ways. The other day when we were discussing this, I wrote in a post to you, that it was for a reason that your Father-in-Law loved this woman. I deleted that part of the post, feeling it inappropriate at the time, but was happy to hear you mention something to that effect above. It certainly is something for you to consider carefully. A clear vision will reveal to you that more than a few of these good people may not be in your life much longer. How do you want the ones that survive to remember you? And also remember moose, that there is seldom, if ever, the need to be rude to anyone. God Bless you all.
14 helmi 10 jäseneltä: information
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Everyone made such thoughtful comments that I'm not sure what I can add. My initial impulse is to tell you to just TAKE those paintings but I guess that wouldn't be right. The STUFF we leave behind is all we leave--so it definitely has meaning. And some people are inexplicably nasty. Maybe your FIL sees a different side of her but maybe he just needed SOMEBODY and she was the one who was there--and so he attached all of those feelings that had no where to go after his first wife died to the 2nd wife. Transference, right? I feel horrible for you and Bob. I'm sure he knows how you feel about the wife and that you are swallowing it all to be nice and make things as non dramatic as possible. And, if you guys don't ever see those paintings again--or the other meaningful items, your lives will be just as rich and full as they will if you have them on your wall. Right? I know that's not the point. But --well--I don't know what else to say. Sleep and rest and take care of yourself, ok?
15 helmi 10 jäseneltä: beets_yum
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I may "feel" like being "rude" but I am not. No matter how hurt, angry, or whatever I am feeling I cannot bring myself to be "mean" or "rude" ... although there have been times in my life when I have spoken my heart to some in the heat of the moment. You all have made such thoughtful comments and I strongly feel the support and encouragement you offer me here. Heartfelt thanks!!
15 helmi 10 jäseneltä: madaboutmoose
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Painohistoria - madaboutmoose
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