Päiväkirja - madaboutmoose, 11 touko 10

Five consecutive days at the hospital, with the drive and all the emotional and therefore physical stress is not conducive to exercise or balanced eating. I am so out of my routine I may have forgotten what my routine was! No. It will come back to me I am certain.

It has been an emotional roller-coaster. We were able to get the cardiac surgeon to agree to a DNR order in FIL's chart yesterday so that if he crashes they will not resuscitate him. Yesterday it looked like we were ready to bring on a palliative care physician and that we were looking at the end of his life. But, yesterday they also drained a bunch of fluid that was pushing on his lungs and today he was more alert and breathing better. He isn't 'out of the woods' yet by any means and it still remains to be seen just what his mental status is ... but today it looks like he may have turned a corner. He is still in the cardiac ICU but if he continues to improve will likely be moved to an intermediate care hospital next, perhaps by the end of the week. We have been fortunate to have a very caring case manager working with us, wonderful nurses, and a pulmonary physician (who used to be a hospice doctor) who took the time today to explain both courses, the possible road to recovery as well as understanding when enough may be enough. The cardiac surgeon is rather 'full of himself' (which probably makes him a very good surgeon) and difficult to discuss things with. He comes in defensive and doesn't listen well. Apparently that happens a lot with him from what I've been able to gather. I am so grateful for those on the staff who have taken time with us to support us through this process. And clearly we aren't done yet.

So ... time will tell. The staff will work with him to get him upright, PT and OT, and we'll see what happens. We are both going to work tomorrow unless of course we hear that he has taken a turn for the worse. We are both exhausted.

As far as fake MIL, last I heard (Saturday) she was in the hospital herself (different hospital). None of us has heard from her. FIL has not asked about her. At least she isn't complicating matters. Since she is not 'family' the hospital will not disclose information to her. Who knows what will happen there. Right now I can't imagine FIL being well enough to live with her again but who knows. Stranger things have happened.

I have no idea what I weigh. I've been so out of my routine ... but I'll get it back together. Tomorrow we are having cake at staff meeting for a long time employee who's position was eliminated in our recent budget cuts. I love cake.

Life is precious. Being with someone who is failing is as precious as being with someone who is thriving. Death is a part of life. I am honored to be able to be present with my loved ones when things are difficult. It is intense though. And I am tired. And of course, I've been feeling my own emotions, those of my husband's, those of the nurses and doctors, AND those of my FIL. No wonder I'm drained.

And so that's my story today. We are home, I am in my comfy around the house clothes and hopefully will get a good night's sleep (preferably hot flash free but lately those have been rampant at night!!). It was comforting reading all your comments today on my last journal. Thank you. It is something ... we come here to lose weight and we find so much more.