Day 421. Weight 187 (up 8 lbs) Good morning. DISCLAIMER & WARNING. Read at your own risk. It is very long and not uplifting. Please do not feel obliged to comment, offer 'advice' or read at all. I needed to write this all out for me. It is my own way of processing ...
I read comments from Saturday's journal before I began this one. I must tell you how much your kind words, and appreciations meant ... especially today when I am feeling particularly vulnerable. I know each of you only know me via what I write ... but I do write from my heart here and so I feel like you know me ... at least a little.
Let me share the good news ... my FUN first!!! Saturday was lovely. We thoroughly enjoyed spending time together. We stopped by the shopping mall and enjoyed an Orange Julius, something we hadn't done in YEARS ... looked through Macy's (I had a $23.00 gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket). All their boots were on sale and I got a pain for beautiful black suede boots that only cost me $9.19 out of my pocketbook!!! Then we headed to the hotel for some relaxation. Dinner out at our favorite Mexican place and were lucky enough to get our favorite waiter there!!! Later, we met with with two of our dearest friends and talked, laughed, and danced out hearts out!! It was exactly what I needed. I love girlfriends ... and that dancing with other women is completely accepted in our society!! Bob does dance with me but my GF and I can get crazy and Bob and her hubby love to watch from the sidelines ... fun times.
Sunday morning Bob calls to check in on his dad. Fake MIL tells him his dad has had a very rough time, that she herself doesn't know how much longer she can do this, he is acting like a 3 year old, only slept 3 hours after taking an Ambien, up at 2 am, taking his blood pressure every 5 minutes, being 'mean', and on and on.
Welcome back to reality.
So we ate breakfast and began the drive back up to our neck of the woods. Wondering if we are nearing the point where his dad might need to be in a care facility. The only medications he is on is medication for his blood pressure and Ambien for sleep. Nothing else. So I am fairly confident we are not dealing with a medication reaction.
Walked into the house, Bob ahead of me. He told me later that she shook her finger at him and told him 'don't you give him a hard time' as soon as he walked through the door. I didn't see or hear that as I was a couple of steps behind him.
Everything is FINE. FIL says he is feeling GREAT ... all is well. Fake MIL says he is much better but has this 'deer in the headlights' look in her eyes and is furtively glancing back and forth between FIL, Bob and I at times. She has a scratch on her forehead and what looks like some kind of discoloration or bruise on her cheek.
Nothing they are saying fits with the frantic phone call Bob had earlier in the morning. Feels like we've entered the Twilight Zone. So after about ten minutes of this exchange I decide to see if I can make some sense out of this and I begin to ask some questions. I wondered if fake MIL was just covering up in front of FIL and briefly thought about talking to her in another room but NOW I am very glad that I did not do that. So, I asked her ... 'when he wakes up at 2 am ... tell me a little about what that looks like' they tell me he gets up and makes breakfast and comes and sits out in his chair and usually dozes off there. She says she stays in bed and sleeps ... she doesn't get up. Everything is fine and wonderful. I am confused. She tells us he paces the hallways, hyperventilating, having her look at his blood pressure every 5 minutes, yelling at her. When Bob was with him on Friday he was freaking out. So, I am very confused. Just this morning she tells Bob she doesn't know how much longer she can do this, how crazy he is acting, how mean he is. So I began to try to see if I could get them to tell me the rest of the story in hopes of understanding what the hell is going on. She and he both went off on me.
She looked me right in the eyes and told me 'don't you analyze me ... everyone I talk to tells me you analyze them and they hate that about you.' Excuse me? Everyone she talks to? It got very ugly. She and he both verbally attacked me. I had used the word 'truth' in something I said ... kind of like help me understand what your day looks like ... and my FIL said it was my fault because I used a 'trigger' word ... truth ... implying that they are lying to us. It got uglier after that. I was so taken aback ... the look in her eyes was pure hatred ... the expression on her face was frightening. I did not say ugly things ... I so wanted to. I walked out ... took a few deep breaths and came back in and told her she was NEVER to talk to me like she had just done again. Her response? That face again ... leaning into me and yelling "do you know how your face looks ... do you know how horrid you look?" I told her ... this is me pissed off. It went downhill from there ... and I could barely breathe by the time I walked out with my husband.
This is a woman who doesn't know me, not in the way my friends and loved ones know me. One of the very first things she ever said to me, years ago when I was showing her pictures of me holding my newborn granddaughter was ... 'didn't anyone every teach you how to part your hair?" That statement I believe was indicative of what was to come.
And yet ... without knowing me she was able to hit me in my most vulnerable place. I know it sounds melodramatic but I felt like I was in the presence of pure evil. It has thrown me for quite a loop. I have been quite emotional, down, feeling paralyzed, doubting myself. Who says such a thing to someone who comes and buys your groceries, picks up your prescriptions, takes you to see your partner in the hospital, calls in and checks to see what you might need, how you are doing? Someone who responds to your 'crises' even though we are in the middle of radiation treatment, have doctors' appointments of our own ... feel like crap.
I didn't cry there. I didn't tell her she was a f***ing bitch who cared for no one except herself. I did tell her that I did not appreciate how she spoke to me. I did not respond to most of what she accused me with. I think 'in the moment' I did okay.
My husband was supportive and livid. I am done. No more from me. My husband says the same. His dad believes all is 'wonderful' and he can 'handle' what needs to be 'handled.' He called his uncle and told him that he would need to step in ... that he too is 'done.' No more grocery trips, picking up prescriptions, being jerked about like a puppet and treated like shit. I'm all full up here. I'm tired of hearing words that are lies. I'm a bit shell-shocked. I vacillate between feeling numb and tearful. I slept last night only because I took something. I couldn't face work this morning. Just couldn't do it. I WANT to run away and hide. I keep hearing Simon & Garfunkle in my head 'I am a rock I am an island' ... guess I'm having my own little personal pity party. I'll get over it. I will be okay. I do have reasonable thoughts in my head ... they will get louder with time. I am so tired of doing the 'right' thing.
And of course ... (although I didn't record it yet ... I will Info ... honest I will) ... the scale is up considerably. Most of it no doubt related to stress, dehydration or the effects of alcohol, sodium, and so forth. I didn't eat poorly at all on Saturday. I did eat a little crazy yesterday but I know that it isn't really possible to gain 8 lbs in such a short amount of time ... not 8 REAL pounds anyway.
Sorry guys. I feel like I should just delete this whole thing, it is such a downer. But I won't. At least not right now!! LOL!!!
Grateful ... I am grateful
1. for a lovely, fun, stress free evening out with the love of my life and good friends 2. for a husband who stands by me, defends me, comforts me 3. knowing that I am not a 'worthless piece of shit' even though that feeling can still creep up ... knowing it really isn't 'my fault' but being able to check in and wonder if it is 'my fault' ... being able to tolerate the complexities of doubting myself 4. crisis is also opportunity ... somewhere in the midst of this 'crisis' is an opportunity I just can't see yet 5. ...... this is just a 'moment' ... yes not a very pleasant 'moment' but it will pass ... I will 'feel' better ... this 'moment' need not define me
Take care ... I still feel badly about writing this ... I so much do not feel like myself today ... time for me to get moving ... do something and stop 'thinking' so darn much. Exercise, report writing, I can do this ... it will help me ... I know it will!!!
Näytä dieettikalenteri, 15 maaliskuuta 2010:
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820 kcal
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Rasva: 18,00g | Prot: 39,00g | Hh: 126,00g.
Aamiainen: water, Greek 2x Protein Honey Vanilla Yogurt. Päivällinen: Lean Cuisine Tortilla Crusted Fish. Välipalat/Muut: Eating Right Potato Crisps, Special K Protein Bar. lisää...
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3170 kcal
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Harjoitus:
Nukkuminen - 8 tuntia, Lepo - 4 tuntia ja 7 minuuttia, Toimistotyö - 9 tuntia, Ajaminen - 2 tuntia, Precor Elliptical - 53 minuuttia. lisää...
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![](https://m.ftscrt.com/static/images/box/membersicon.gif) Kommentit
I have no advice to offer this morning....but I do have a BIG - hold you close in friendship - kind of hug for you....You, my dear, are simply amazing.....I'd have blown a gasket....! I LOVE # 4 this morning....maybe a new mantra for me for the day/week....?? hugggggggs.....!
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: drd3775
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Thanks Deb ... I think I did blow a gasket!!! It is still spurting a bit this morning ... I am still tearful and pissed off at the same time!! But at least aware that life continues and I do NOT have to deal with her or him for that matter unless I choose to. Right now? Uh-huh, no way, not for me, and not just 'no' but "HELL NO!!!" ... LOL!!
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: madaboutmoose
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I am so sorry. What a gutbuster, a mindblower. Awful awful behavior. I am glad that you wrote it out and that you didn't delete it! I won't even venture a guess as to what is going on with your FIL and fake MIL and it doesn't really even matter. You know your heart and you know what is true. Don't blame yourself for their failings. Hugs to you. Hang in there!
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: erikag
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Well, she may fear you. There is always a reason for this kind of behavior. If a single word or phrase of anger can create such torment, then think that words of love/peace can create the opposite emotion. Be careful there, because words can hurt us far more than sticks and stones. There are also certain things you must just put into God's hands, and trust that, in life, things have a way of working themselves out. This, of course, does not preclude Right Thought, and Right Action. You might be able to arrange something where everyone is happy by coming together in peace. You need a clear mind for this so calm yourself with a little time. But, you don't want to compromise your own health moose, and this is your time, this is your life, and it is short. I can almost assure you, that while life goes on, and your spirit will endure, there will never again be another moose.
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: information
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So..... do you think that Fake MIL is LYING about how FIL is acting when your not there, or do you think that she is covering up for him? Very strange, and very hard to deal with, especially in the face of all the other crap your doing with right now. I really don't know what else to say to you, other than try not to let it get to you to much.... I know its hard.... Have a drink on me tonight!
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: MomofTwoGirls
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Never, never feel guilty about venting with friends...it's nothing we can't bear to hear and truly will not bring us down. That being said, I realize it's all very shocking and hurts you deeply - to the core- but step back now that you've put this all in black and white (a good, good thing to do) and ask yourself, "What more could I expect from a f***ing bitch who cares about no one except herself?!!" Honestly, Moose I'm beginning to form the opinion that sick and evil are the same...your fake MIL is one sick bitch...and do not waste one moment hoping, praying or waiting for her to get well -- it's not gonna happen -- at least not this time around! The best you can hope for is that she gets another trip through life...as a bug!
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: doit2it
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HUGS & KISSES MY FRIEND <3 <3 <3 :)). I agree with Info, you come first always and LOVE/PEACE!
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: inola
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Did I say "bug"? Now that would be unfair to such creatures as the cute little lady bug. No, I was thinking "dung beetle"! Would that not be appropriate for FMIL? I just might believe in a god who would serve up such fairness as a "reward" to mean-spirited human beings.
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: doit2it
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I agree with glen's advice...I know your heart wants to help and be loyal to family...but it's best for you to step back, or aside - without guilt - you have done all you can. Regardless your noble intentions, you cannot save a drowning man while he is beating on your chest and pulling you under.
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: doit2it
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Oh Moose what a horrible situation to have to deal with. Unkind angry words that others say to us have a tendency to play on our minds. We just have to remind ourselves that they are said by jealous, frightened, sick, deranged or Godless people and if our conscience is clear (as I know yours is) we should take no notice and try to see the words for what they are. You don't have to see them or run errands for them its your choice and their loss if you don't. I'm so glad that Bob supported you - it must be difficult for him as its his father and parter and although he doesn't like the behaviour and can see their faults there must be some affection and concern there. You need to look after you and treat yourself with kindness and love. I hope putting this down on 'paper' has exorcised some of it from your system and you can put it behind you. Exorcism? .....mmmm now I wonder if that would come in handy. I'm sending you a metaphorical 1st bunch of pure white spring snowdrops to lift your spirits and let you know that after the harsh winter weather, new life does emerge in beauty & purity. ((BIG hugs my friend))
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: flaxseed
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What can I say? Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough. Thank you for telling me it was okay to write this ... thank you for taking the time to read it and say such kind a supportive things. Just talked to my hubby a bit ago ... his dad was at the emergency room again last night with an 'anxiety attack.' They told him there was nothing they could do and he needed to see his regular doctor. Bob's uncle talk to his dad and his dad mentioned NOTHING about us or our visit yesterday. Hubby is taking it in stride. I am feeling less crazy ... glad I didn't try to go to work today though. I am 'done' with being 'helpful'. I will not be 'unkind' or say 'unkind' things to them. I simply will not be their whipping girl anymore. This is difficult and it shall pass. Still, underneath are the everlasting arms ... I am not alone and I am not a horrible person. I am a very weary traveler right now ... but I will continue to travel on.
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: madaboutmoose
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Oh and Sarah I think fake MIL is just very ill in the head. I think she is telling us the truth but won't or can't do it when we are there. It doesn't matter anymore. They are going to do what they are going to do. They lost me yesterday. I'm done. Life is too short and they crossed a line. Actions speak louder than words ... I do not trust them. It doesn't matter what they say ... I will be very careful from here on out.
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: madaboutmoose
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I think we all have off days and should write them. I got accused from a person at church of giving her an evil look and for not being bubbly. I didnt see her at church to look at her and I wont always be bubbly, I am not fake.
Doing the right thing is exhausting and sometimes not rewarding at all, but it is the right thing and God sees us and rewards us. I am not saying put yourself in an abusive situation, but dont give up on all right doing because of a few nuts.
Hopefully you can have a healthy relationship with them. Pray for them even if you dont want to. I dont have a family, they never wanted me and abused me. Some days I hate them, I really do, but forgiveness is a process and I pray for them, especially when I dont want to. I even tell God, I dont trust them or that they will ever change, I dont want them in my life but bless them, change them etc...
I feel so bad you had to go through that. I hear old people can be really really nasty. I loved my ggma but she could really say some mean things at times.
I hope you and your husband can move past this and I pray God right now restore peace in their lives. Help them to forgive and let them be understanding with each other. Give her strength. Let her know the truth God not the lies spewed from the mouth of a nasty woman. Let her know that she is chosen by you and you call her beautiful. Thank you Lord for putting her in my life. Bless her God. Amen
HUGS!
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: yogamama3
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Moose, what I am thinking for you is... in a few short weeks you will be on vacation with a fabulous drink in your hand and this horrific moment will be but a distant memory. I am a HUGE believer in removing the toxic people from your life. Like you said, life's too short. :)
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: Chris1979
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It sounds like you have dealt with some crazy people. Irrational, evil, manipulative nasty crazy people. And I mean that in the most sincere way - people like you who have sense and caring in their minds do not understand the behavior of people who so not have sense or caring. It makes sense that you would not want to get into that environment again!
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: abbadabba
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Your buddies above have given some very helpful support and advice. I ditto and echo all of their love and support. Hold on Babydoll! Hold on!
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: poet-in-motion
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Doing what I can ... must make peace with it and move on ... nothing else I can do that is legal or moral.
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: madaboutmoose
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I am glad you didn't delete this entry. I think it is very important to get it all out and share with people who care about you. I have dealt with people as you describe and it never ceases to amaze me how cruel and misguided some people can be. You know in your heart the kind of person you are and you should take comfort in that. You have done nothing wrong. You have gone out of your way to be kind and giving in spite of all the stress you are already dealing with. You are a good person Moose and you do not deserve to be treated like this but Info is right, take the time you need to calm down and feel better. We are all here for you. I am very happy that your and your husband had some fun time together.
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: chattycathy1955
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Moose, I only want to send you hugs, tons of hugs. I think after all the pressure they put on you and your husband, this "final" scene had to come sooner or later. They don't seem to care about anybody else than themselve and they pushed you to your limit, over your limit. Maybe by fear, or simply by selfishness. Take a break from this shit, you NEED to. If things have to go better they will go better. Until then, you take care of yourself. Have a relaxing night Moose, as much as possible. I'M glad you had fun with your husband, and don't even think about the number on the scale. It's only the weight of anger and frustration, it will be gone soon. Much love
15 maalis 10 jäseneltä: jessyline
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I am so very sorry this has happened. I truly believe it is a good thing to vent here and hope it was cathartic for you. I also think you were very right to walk away. There is only so much we can allow from others and to continue to allow anyone to exhibit abusive behavior is not a necessity. It is sad that they can not show the appreciation you deserve. It says a lot about what kind of people they are. {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}
16 maalis 10 jäseneltä: dawn0001
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Painohistoria - madaboutmoose
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