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08 syyskuuta 2022

Something I remember from my weight loss in the past is that with time and consistency, your plans evolve almost naturally and that you get into a groove that works for you and it almost goes on autopilot. It's really the beginning stage that is most challenging. I'm not saying the later stages don't have their challenges. I'm simply stating that the start is the hardest part. The later stages are a bit easier because you know what to expect and you have build experience over time.

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08 syyskuuta 2022

I'm had some time to regroup from yesterday's journal entry. I think I should take a step back even further. I am perhaps trying to do too much too soon. I am also allowing myself to be overwhelmed by what I am trying to accomplish. I think my planning window should be limited to a day and nothing more. I will do daily check-ins to see how I am doing and my plan for the next day but nothing beyond that. Perhaps I need to get used to that rhythm first before advancing to the next level. I should make my steps even smaller and give myself more time to get used to the current level before moving on to the next. What I have been trying for the last several months has not worked and I even kept on trying harder. I don't think carrying on like this will lead to success. Hence I am changing tactics. I still have the same goals and focus. What I am simply changing is my approach.

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07 syyskuuta 2022

This entry is most likely going to be on the negative side. I am not intending to be negative. I'm simply wanting to be honest with how I have been feeling in the last few days to a week. I am down. I feel sad and on my way to being demotivated. Up until recently I have had a positive attitude towards my goal of improving my health. I've made so many plans and those plans have had various versions. This time I thought that I had simplified and included small steps that I could take to eventually reach get to the point where I am actually putting my whole plan into action. Every time I was less than on track, I would dust myself off and tell myself to try again next time. I gave myself grace. This time, I feel like I am only just failing. I am not seeing any victories. When I mentioned this to my hubby, he's the one who suggested I take things even slower and smaller steps. I agree with him. I revised my plan for a much slower progression and I am happy with that. I made peace a while back that I am ok with the weight taking long to come off because my focus is not just my weight. My focus is becoming insulin sensitive and to build health habits that I can sustain for a lifetime. Those are my primary focus areas. I am expecting the rest to fall in place. I am expecting the excess body fat to come off. I'm expecting my blood pressure to normalise etc. What I am down about is that I keep failing to have just one "good" day. I want to give up but I know for me that is not an option. I do not have an option to give up because if I do give up, I am certainly guaranteed complications with my health, worsening health, and additional chronic illness that may result in loss of limb or eyesight. I am that far gone in my current health condition. I have to turn this around. So the option to just quit is really not on the cards for me. Not unless I am willing to deal with much worse health issues not too far in the distant future. What is making me sad is that I am putting in the effort. I am trying and doing my best to do what I know I need to do. It is just so hard. I keep telling myself that is it now impossible but f*ck it feels impossible. At this point, I am not sure if I will come on the other side of this. I know I have to but all my past failures tell me I cannot. Am I just doing it wrong? Tying my feelings to my actions? Is that it? I feel good if I had a "good" day and I feel bad if I didn't achieve what I planned for that day? Again, I do not have a deadline of when I should be whatever weight. But I do expect myself to be practicing the healthy habits more and more with each passing weeks and months. I have made no progress in that area since June 2022. Is my plan still too hard and needs every further refinement? One thing I should definitely do is decouple my feelings from my actions. Do what I need to do despite what my emotions say and do not have any feelings about my actions. I don't know... I'll have to think this one through or frame it better. I am not complaining about my responsibility. I'm just venting that it is actually really hard. Harder than some people will ever know unless they are on the same journey. I know I am here by my own actions and I know I will get the results I want from my own actions. That does not negate or minimise the effort required to get those results.

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02 syyskuuta 2022

There are no shortcuts. There's no bypassing discipline and consistency.

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01 syyskuuta 2022

I'm listening to a podcast that has gotten me to think about my self-worth. One thing that has been true about me even when I was a child is that my self-worth is not tied to my body. I've never hated myself or my body. I am and have been in the past embarrassed with how my body looks. When I am ashamed of how I look, I hide my body by covering up like a nun and socially isolate. But not once have I ever hated myself or my body. My shame is around how I think people will accept me. I recently listened to a woman who had recently gained weight for health reasons after years of being ultra-lean for body-building competitions. One thing she said that stayed with me is to look at the people in your life who love you and ask yourself, do they love you because of how you look or because of who you are, your personality, your character, your good qualities, your heart etc. I still want to look my best and feel confident in my own skin and not be embarrassed to be around others. I guess it does not help when my weight is the only thing some people every point out every time I'm around them, my own mother being one of these people. It is not easy being obese in a world obsessed with perfect bodies but thankfully this has not led me to hating myself or my body.

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